Daily Poppy

Trump Ready To Save Afghans And The Elderly With New Plan

They’re already driving for ISIS, why not have them drive for us?

In an exclusive to SIK today, White House Press Secretary and real boy Sean Spicer said the president had met with Senator Jeanne Shaheen and put together a plan to restart the Special Immigrant Visa (SIV) for Afghans. The new “Save Them All” initiative would also benefit the endangered “Meals on Wheels” program that helps feed elderly Americans in their homes.

New Meals on Wheels drivers are ready to take on Manhattan.

Citing their ability to be “really great drivers,” Spicer said that Trump was ready to put successful SIV applicants to work delivering meals to the elderly in metropolitan centers in the United States as a test run.

When asked what changed the president’s mind, Spicer told SIK, “He said, They’re already driving for ISIS, so why not drive for us?’ and then Bannon nodded under his cowl and now we’ve got something in place that should make everyone happy.”

Like any new program, this one has some challenges.

“We had some hiccups at first. Most of the applicants were more concerned about driving into a building than they were about stopping outside and delivering food.”

But the new drivers are already thinking outside the box.

“We’ve been approached by a couple of them with some interesting ideas to make the program better. They’ve told us that strapping the food to your body as you’re making the delivery is much more effective.”

When asked if “food” and “bomb” were similar in Dari or Pashto, the main Afghani languages, Spicer referred any questions on that topic to the acting head of “whoever’s in charge of words.”

Also published on Medium.